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Issue #2, p.2 April, 2008
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..The Whole Earth Chuzzmalog:
...This Wild And Wacky Omposm Called Earth
... by Farfummf Watafazmo
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....Here is where I get to treat my homzoi back home to the latest hwumshuk from Earth.
....As we explore this sad little grape of a planet, we have discovered many interesting factoids. We are in the region they call The Yoo Ass Of Ay, Fork Yeah. These earthforms are partaking in a peculiar ritual whereby they choose their leaders. CHOOSE? Does that mean they lack the simple capacity to instinctively determine who can best dance the Funky Norpse Chicken? How odd. We observe from their quaint ritual that on this part of Earth the most revered earthform types are 1. polite dark-skinned males of slight construct; and 2. devious radioactive females of light-colored saggy flesh with fake smiley lips. That might indicate that proficient execution of the Funky Norpse Chicken is not worshipped as a devine attribute as it is on our planet. Aside from a slug-like white male they call Karrrel Rove who is not revered in this place, only the darker-skinned earthforms -- and some of those that are called "the funking jews" -- have shown aptitude for dancing motions.
....As for the sonic emissions of these earthforms: it appears that those held in high esteem are dark-skinned male types who do not intone -- they speak in rapid rhymes with words that do not appear in our Earth language research archives. And they grasp at their norpse with tightly clenched hands suggesting perhaps that they are concerned that their norpse might recede. Why would they worry since their race seems to be the most likely to be the chosen as leaders?
....The light-skinned youth-pods create sonic emissions that are quite different. They seem to be either extremely angry about something -- as though tittie milk has been withheld -- or they appear docile and glorpy -- as though inflatable. Their voice emissions seem to say "waaaah waaaah" -- a sound similar to the emissions of a creature they call a "barney" but much louder and not in tune with the scales of the rumble-tones from their broken-sounding equipment. Perhaps the backward state of their technology is the cause. As I said -- their leader-choosing ritual suggests that the dark-skinned earthforms are the most revered. They should help the less fortunate light-skinned ones get better tones from their sound modules. Perhaps we can be of assistance -- if our help would add sufficient monetary units to our glubber sacs. We shall negotiate and "joo them up."
....So now we shall sign off. We must attempt to blend in with the zoological elements and join in their sport of Go-Shopping. We have been informed of fabulous garments for sale that somebody is to die for. We hope the execution will not be painful.
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..Page Sux: The Real Cosmic Poozle
... by Gambothna Geebis
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....Heismannorca Spaetzle, Overlord of Sector A on Planet Noof-YAA, resigned from post today, the result of his affairs both extramarital and illegal, with a ring of hired fulf-mates. As is customary, his wife stood directly in front of him, dressed in a traditional two piece black gordatunbarne, as he apologized via satellite to the Universe for failing his people. She then, as is customary, delivered three swift, sharp kicks from the heel of her of Banolo Phrank’s into his gonads while he was held in place by his guards. The prostibot in question was found. She is a runaway prostibot who came to Noof-Yaa’s Main Sector with hopes of a career in Terre-Films. We think the most she’ll be able to do now, is a straight to Phreenie. 
.....Probette, famous for her 33HZ screams in the top grossing TerreNovelas of the light-week, was caught on Satte-Cam leaving the residence of Blackey Temblyn. She appeared unkempt -- her eyes covered by a large pair of Solslackas at 3AM Terre Time.  Since it’s common knowledge that Mr. Temblyn is the husband of Amberra Horsut, we can only imagine what the scream queen was doing there.  The two are shooting the TerreThriller “Please Please Shoot!”
.....VocalRhythmShouter PasCreadle was arrested on Terre today for a large possession of Korbabranchles. He led TerreCops on a high speed chase for the better part of 5 milliseconds!  He was detained for several hours by police before being let go on bail to the custody of his manager, Pasha Ballaboo.
Lastly, it’s VaFaTaTa season, and the nominees are in! Expect catfights, and gown drama!!
Farfummf Watafazmo adds this postscript to Mipzn. Geebis's sly commentary on Overlord Spaetzle:

....Gluh, gluh, gluh <:()~
....The same thing happened on Earth. Overlord of Earth Sector Noo Wyorrk was norpse-pungled out of office because he overpaid his hired fulf-mate -- $4,000 Earth dollars (20,000 thilpoing on our planet). Imagine paying over 4,000 Earth dollars to get one's norpse gweeled. I can be serviced for free by the sexiest, smelliest zumspaw in the Spatamnior Galaxy. Plus a bowel job thrown in at no extra charge.
....Gluh, gluh, gluh <:()~
....I can see why there is so much poverty on Earth. Copulation is in such demand but apparently so difficult to attain that it exerts a high cost. And it seems these earthforms require vast quantities of oil to lubricate their female's wumza. The cost of this oil is over one hundred Earth dollars per application. Perhaps we should teach them our attitudes about copulation which are not quite so complex as to require such strain on their planet's resources.
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KOKO DOZO WILL SPEW FORTH NOCTURNAL SONIC EMISSIONS
MAY 16: Jupiter Crash at Crash Mansion
199 Bowery (& Spring St.), NY
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